KathieDee

i have stopped blogging, primarily because just about everyone now is a blogger. it used to be fun to put a plethora of words together and still make sense. the way the world works drastically changed over the years, with most of the world's population reading patience probably not going beyond 200 characters (punctuations and spaces included).  but today, with time in my hands and a stack of old documents nearby, i found the urge to go back to my half real first love (hubby being the other half of my real first love). Writing.   

Writing has always been an escape for me. Ironically though, I never kept diaries. I would always just write stuff up in my mind. A phrase here, a sentiment there. I like romanticizing my thoughts. I love plagiarizing and messing up other people's ideas (ha ha).  Writing, while an entirely creative process, does not come magically.  Inspiration is required.

Today's inspiration are old documents from years ago. Memorandums. Job descriptions. Transcripts of interviews. Contracts. I forgot I kept them... or maybe, I intentionally willed myself to forget them.  Those were not good times.. and from the looks of it, those weren't my best days either. I read through each one of those documents, and it was quite a dreary, depressing exercise. I knew I should stop, but the masochist in me wanted more pain inflicted.  I just had to read them all - all over again. I was never the popular kid and I never ever aimed (and will never ever aim) to please. I have always been strongly opinionated, highly critical and damn expect way too much.  Traits that do not exactly get one a miss friendship medal. Not that I care (or maybe I do, having had the need to state it out loud?)

The ironic thing about it all though is that through the years, as I was getting farther and farther away from that place, I had made myself believe that I actually had good memories to take from it. Time really does have a way of muddling your brain.  Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I have these documents to remind me what that phase of my life was really about. It was one long,sad journey inside a dark tunnel where only a phantasmagoria saved me from myself.

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I think I am going to stop now.

 

So the past many-a-many days, I have been very busy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yo-Ville-ling at facebook. 

I was online. Saw this friend go online.

Me: "Hey"

Person:  "I gotta go"

Offline.

What do you make of that?  Walang "hi, hello, sorry pauwi na ako".  Straight forward "I gotta go".  Wala man lamang courtesy to say "Bye". Bastos! To the highest level.

Sana maabutan ko ulit syang online next time para maka pag message ako ng "panget mo hayop ka!"  Haha. Personalan na ito.

 

Gail was tinkering with my phone some nights ago. 

Gail : "Mommy, san ang video ng cellphone mo?"

Me: "Walang video yan anak".

Gail: "Ang pangit naman ng cellphone mo mommy"

Sabay binaba ang phone ko at lumabas ng kwarto.

This one is from the heart.

While most of us have a general idea of how the US economy has spiraled down and we all hear about the massive lay offs, the ones who work with the american market are the ones who feel the direct impact of what is happening across the many thousand miles.

Sabi nga ni Richard Gomez sa long time ago McDonalds tv ad nya, "I should know. I used to work here".

I should know. I AM working here.

My career in the export industry spans over a decade. From food ingredient manufacture to home decor manufacture to sourcing, developing and buying for big american brands. This is where I am happiest - here at Connor, which is why I am full of mixed emotions.

Dread is something constant these days. Every morning you pray that this is not the day you will be called to the office. You know that no one is indispensible, but you always hope that the value you bring to the organization will be enough to keep you as one of the last fighting to survive the storm. 

It is not easy. You do not want to really spend time thinking about alternative plans and lifestyle changes and whatever disruptions to your life will come you way.  You fear that if you say it out loud, it will happen. The power of the spoken word.  But if you do not recognize the seriousness of the situation, you do not fight, you do not give it your all.

It is scary. It must be. You must be scared enough to sincerely want to extend yourself and sacrifice. It is not a challenge that can be won by one person alone. Teamplay has never had this much of a burden. You are not just saving yourself, you need to save everybody in order to save where you are.

So I haven't blog for a really long time. I have answered all of those tags and lists, but have not really been squeezing out any creative juice from my gray matter that I sort of feel brain dead.  Nakaka miss din pala. Kahit wala kang sasabihing may sense or will change the world, nakakamiss magsulat.  Nakakamiss yung may deadline, tapos wala kang maisulat kaya you end up with silly stuff like:

I turn on the light,

Control 3 second flat

Oh how I wish

Writing was just like that.

Haha. I know I was a pain for the eds back then, but they published na rin, pang puno ng space. 

So what have I been up to lately? Not that you care. Or maybe you do since you bothered to start reading this post. Or maybe you don't really? .......  Whatever.

I have been facebook-ing a lot lately. I love facebook. I love knowing what other people are up to.  Never mind that I believe most people romanticize what they are up to anyway.  You know--

"Had a nice quiet dinner with xxx, overlooking the sunset by the bay"    Which could mean anywhere in between they really had a nice quiet dinner overlooking the sunset at the bay or nagbaon sila ng kanin, adobo at kamatis, nagdala ng puting monoblock chair sa baywalk at kumain ng dinner habang palubog na ang araw, at pareho silang bingi.

or "Going to Boracay for the weekend!"  She could really be going to Boracay for the weekend, pero it could be that actually nangutang sya to fund the trip, and pagbalik nya from the "fantastic weekend at Boracay!" araw araw na overtime ang kailangan para makabayad sa loan.

I think that's what I love about the posts in facebook. Trying to figure out the stories behind the posts. And if friend mo naman talaga yung nasa facebook mo, you basically know how much stretch they are making to make it appear that they are leading lives that you ought to envy.  Parang electronic way of social climbing or perhaps a hi-tech version of hallucination.

Apart from the content of the posts, I look forward to the gramatical errors. Kung dangan naman kasi bakit kailangan ang mga posts in english?  "Look to cook dinner" o kaya naman " Gone to province tomorrow"   Kailan daw?

And syempre, hindi mawawala ang mga pictures. "Sunset in Palawan", "Sunset in Mindoro", "Sunset across my room"... Have they never heard of  "Keeping a photograph is like trying to preserve a kiss"?  Facebook people, makakakita ka ng sunset until the last day you breathe. Unless na lang you die the following morning, sorry na lang, sana nakita mo ang sunrise.

At mga pictures ng pagkain in various stages of consumption - kakainin, kinakain at kinain. Mas maganda siguro kung pictures ng pagkain na kinain after ma-digest. Kumpletuhin naman ang cycle.

So, in short, wala talaga akong ginagawang may kabuluhan lately.

 

 

For those that I have tagged, here are the rules:

It's harder than you think. Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl question. Tag the person who sent it to you so they can see.

1. What is your name: Kathie

2. A four letter word: Kiri

3. A boy's name: Kenkoy

4. A girl's name: Kikay

5. An occupation: Kuk (yung taga luto)

6. A color: Kinky Red

7. Something you wear: Kumot, especially after ...... ha ha

8. A food: Kutsinta

9. Something in the bathroom: Kilikili powder

10. A place: Kusina

11. A reason for being late: Kase....

12. Something you shout: Kalikot!

13. A movie title: Kamasutra

14. Something you drink: Kuka-Kula

15. A musical group:

16. An animal: Kat

17. A street name: Kampupot

18. A type of car: Kakarag-karag

19. A song title: King and Queen of Hearts

20. A verb: Kumikiri

This greeted me and hubby when we got home last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gail prepared a Special Valentine Family Dinner for us!

Pero syempre, kasali sa date si Spikey.

At hindi naman sya masyadong matakaw!

Nag enjoy naman silang dalawa :)

Hay, sarap ng may anak! :)

 

I love Christmas.

I love arranging the ornaments on our tree (not putting up the tree though).

I love shopping for gifts (and haggling with the "ano hanap nyo ate?" tinderas)

I love the food that magically appears on our fridge everyday (a little melodramatic, but you get what i mean).

I love the surprise when I open the gifts I get (and believe me, most of the time I DO get surprised)

I love the bibingkas and putobumbongs.

I love the ube that our neighbor cooks the traditional way (grate,grate,grate and stir,stir,stir).

I love the time spent away from the stress of work.

I love a lot of things associated with Christmas.

Except one.

I detest being compelled to participate in the christmas party presentations.

I have never deluded myself that I can sing, dance or do anything related to performance art.  But for reasons unknown, people seem to not notice. 

Either they are way too much into the christmas fever - where even the worst voice is forgivable - or they are way too much desperate to fill the group.

I wish, for once, there will be a group of "non performing assets" at the party - where our only duty is cheer, clap and occasionally heckle.  I can be a good heckler.  I bet I can even excel at it.

Unfortunately, nobody has bought this idea of mine yet. I think it's an idea way ahead of its time.

So this year, I fear that I am doomed once more.

I really do love christmas!

 

or maybe it should be peacefully guilty? hmmm

had an argument with hubby this morning over something absolutely ridiculous. so we are not talking to each other. i know i should feel really bad about it - him not talking to me. but no, i actually feel "free". 

which is why i feel guilty.  why do i feel a certain peacefulness and calmness over us not wanting to be in the same space right now? hmmm...

oh well, we do need a break every now and then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would this make you read the Bible?

Late bloomer ako.

I saw the movie early this week with a friend. I knew the hype the book and movie was getting with the young adults, but I was not really itching to see the movie. The motivation to go watch was really the dinner and girl-bonding time with my friend.

We came out of the movie laughing at ourselves as we were more taken by Chief Swan and Dr. Carlisle. Daddies na ang attractive sa amin, hinid na ang mga boylets. Haha

Then my cousin-in-law emailed me the book. 

Now I understand what the hype is all about. 

Now I get Edward Cullen.

Nothing really compares to reading a book and making your own movie in your mind.

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...................................seriously....

i don't know...........................

.........not right now........................

..... sad .......................................

The closest I will ever get to this man ..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is by working with his people. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dreamy. exciting. and yes, stress-inducing!

 

 

What can I say?  I'm a Sanrio baby! :)

I need my sugar high. Right now. I can feel my mood spiraling downwards. Sometimes I love too much work, sometimes I just downright get depressed by it. Today is one of those "depressed-by-it" days.

All I want right now is to stop and stare. Not do anything. Just stop and stare.. and well, breathe so I do not topple over and die. Wala namang poise yun ano. Dropping dead in the office. How so working class!  ha ha

My neighbor alex is celebrating her 8th year in one place, and as I told her, this has made me nostalgic.

I spent close to a decade in the same company.  About a humble half of which was spent doubting whether I was in the right place.  It was not so much that I did not like what I was doing because I did. I really did.  I think it was more of me not seeing my place in the organization.  I always felt that I was just there - that I was a conduit to getting results achieved. Parang medium ng mga lost souls, sasaniban to get a message across, tapos iiwanan ng lupaypay pag natapos na ang seance.

Anyway, I think the reason why I stayed on was because of the friendships I developed through the years.  Parang pill box ang 10 years ko doon - may separators to indicate a time line. 

The best group of friends I had was Ronald and the Lab Girls.   Sila yung unang set of friends ko who made sense to me and who I really could share good laughs with.  Up until now, sila pa rin ang pinaka pinaka na-enjoy ko kasama. 

I also developed good friendships with the HR people. There were perks with being chummy with the HR - you get inside scoops and stories.  The downside lang is, you never can really tell anybody about the secrets.. and well, secrets are just much juicier if you share them di ba?

Then during the later years, I had the chance to get to know the new generation of employees. They were a few years younger and well, I was a bitch by then already so I probably wouldn't have won miss congeniality.  But they were quite a brave bunch - they let me join a few lunch outs and who knows, they may have gottten disappointed that I wasn't much of the bitch that I seemed to be.

So when friends started moving on and going away, I started to lose the joy of being where I was.  And then things happened, decisions were made, promises were blurred and it just all together stopped being a happy place for me. 

And here I am now. Looking back to where I was 3 years ago, not with the same heavy heart I used to have, but with a mix of gladness for people who have found their own real joy there and sadness for those who are just trapped with nowhere to go.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Horton is neither me nor you... but will most likely remind you and me of somebody we know, have known, and will know.  While Horton is portrayed as a simple girl, I am sure a part of her exists in most of us - me included.  We all are sometimes consumed by our own conviction of how good we are that we forget that life is a convoluted collaboration of the strengths and weakness of each of us. 

We appear strong when others are weak, and we appear weak when others are strong.

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Horton works for a cookie shop - she doesn't quite get it why it's called a cookie shop when they sell more cakes than cookies. Every morning when she gets in, she wonders about this. You see, Horton enjoys baffling herself about simple things. I think part of it is because really her mind can only figure out so much. 

One damp Susday, Horton gets an email. MasterChef upstairs is asking her to write down all she knows about the cookie shop and what she has learned for the past many years that she has been working for the cookie shop. Horton jumps up with joy. Finally, she thinks MasterChef will make her the cookie shop head.

Well, actually, Horton is absolutely convinced she is about to make it as the cookie shop head.

"Finally" Horton thinks to herself "I will be Cookie Shop Big Master."

Horton has conveniently forgotten the time she bagged peanut brownies instead of the giant cookies for Mrs. Wilmster and Mrs. Wilmster had to be taken to the hospital for allergies.  Horton also did not remember when she spilled fresh milk on the floor which caused little old Mister Yokel to slip and sport leg braces for months. Nor did Horton thought about mixing old cookie batches with new ones causing a wave of customer returns.

No, Horton does not think of these things. She believes in her heart that all these dark clouds - as she prefers to refer to them - happened because her stars where not aligned right on those days.  "Sometimes stars do that" she tells herself "they get jumpy and forget to follow their path and dark clouds happen." 

Horton will never, ever accept that Mrs. Wilmster, Mr. Yokel and the customer return line happened because she was just not paying attention to what she as doing.  No, it was not her fault.  It was the stars.

So when MasterChef wanted her list, she walked around the cookie shop the whole day feeling like the big boss. She ordered people around. She refused to pack cookies, serve customers and much more, bus the tables. 

If she is going to be The Big Boss, she has to start acting like one. 

And act like one she did. She passed blame, found excuses, wasted time sitting around and basically did nothing to help in running the cookie shop.

"Horton The BIG BOSS  has arrived." she hummed silently to herself.

She really was loving every minute of it.

Horton found new skills she did not know she had.

She can pass on work to others and get credit for them.

She can turn a blind eye to dirty floor and tables and wait until somebody else picked up the mop and rag to clean up. 

She can point a finger to someone else whenever an unhappy customer comes up to complain.

She can chit chat with the customers without really convincing the customers to buy the new cookie treats to increase the cookie shop sales.

And Horton truly believed in her heart that she had what it takes to run the Cookie Shop...